Updated: Jan 12, 2019
Like Leo here, we're all worthy of whole slice of bread-- hell, the entire loaf. Settling for the crumbs our potential mates throw our way is completely unacceptable in 2019. Look at that beautiful smirk on Leo's face! We all have something great to offer to top off our own piece of bread - be it garlic, cheese, or the whole damn sandwich. Do crumbs satisfy your needs?
What I'm going to do here is give you my final roster of what I've found are the main types of breads that have left trails of crumbs for both my friends and me. What I mean by that is that these are the types of people and their tactics for stringing you along in the dating or hookup world. To make it even easier, I went ahead and ranked them from crumbiest to least crumby -- you're welcome.
"Settling for the crumbs our potential mates throw our way is completely unacceptable."
*dry, flakiest out of them all, hardly a bread but more a dried up version; only goes well with certain things, i.e. butter*
Like the sad story of Gatsby, it can be argued that Daisy Buchanan left a trail of breadcrumbs for the "Ol' Sport" to follow. Daisy was dry and hopeless, and said "the best thing a girl can be in this world is a beautiful little fool." With that attitude, women would still be sitting at home, unable to be the breadwinners in families nowadays. However, this attitude did not give her the right to ultimately lead on hopeless-romantic Jay the way that she did. He proposed endless romantic gestures to win over her love, which she left a husband and child at home to explore. In the end, he was left alone, as she could not leave her main man.
Moral of the story - the basic ass butter is the ex/significant other. If you're getting crumbed, you will never win against the other person in the picture and you can find better out there. Ditch the flakey breakfast croissant and get you a dinner roll.
2) White Bread
*basic, been around forever, oddly comforting and reminds us of our childhood*
Similar to the croissant crumb Daisy left, white bread crumbs were left when Gatsby had hopes of something more from their previous relationship in their teenage years. We all have relationships that are comfortable to us and come across people that remind us of those from our past. When we find that, we often cling to it. It's a dangerous habit because despite our "new-found knowledge," we still often end up getting in messy situations and hurt anyways. There's way less basic, more deserving breads out there.
3) Wheat/Whole Grain/Multigrain Bread
*it's all a migraine-- too much to keep track of*
... WTF is it anyways? Are these loaves even that much healthier? Growing up, our moms told us they were, but now I really don't think so. It's just more expensive and leaves you high and dry like the rest. They're complicated to figure out and act fancier than the rest, but really, you should not be trying to find and follow their sorry, poser a$$ around the grocery store. Don't feel bad for doing it, though-- we've all been there.
Also, I'm pretty sure it has just as many calories as other types of bread, so ultimately you're left trying to burn off all the ones you wasted your time on in the first place.
4) The Breadick ... oops, I mean Breadstick.
**just here for the V or D - 'nough said*
This can be good or bad, depending on what sort of relationship you're looking for at the moment. Hookup with no strings attached? Great! Anything else, your feelings will most likely get sucked up the way my new Christmas vacuum takes these crumbs.
*breaks very easily, really only around during the holidays, so not reliable and often flakey*
This could be someone who's still in college coming back for the break and looking for a quick thing. This could be someone who travels a lot for work and has a bunch of side b!tches. Either way, they're not reliable. They're great because you don't see them often, so when you do see them it's like, ooo la la. But you often grow sick of their flakey tendencies, so it's time to let go.
6) Challah - not to be mistaken for Matzah
*wants to take you home to mom, family - can easily fool you into thinking they're serious*
I grew up with lots of Jewish friends, so I can distinguish the difference by now, but can you? Rolled into a sophisticated knot unlike other types of bread, one may think these crumbs would be different. Taking you to meet friends and family, maybe even going on fun dates and hanging out without hooking up... this one will fool you and make you catch the hungry feels. Don't be fooled - if they just see you as a friend, an option, and/or are still on other dating apps, you are getting crumbed.
7) Holy Communion Bread
*means well but offered to everyone; is prude but will still lead you on*
This worst part about this type of bread is that they will constantly reach out to you and give you attention, which is very misleading! Not only will you be led to believe that you can get them home, but you will think that they care for you in a unique way because they're always messaging you and seem genuine.
This one sucks :/
8) Pretzel Bread
*twisty, complicated, buttery deliciousness*
Ugh, how we all love a good pretzel bread. So many ways to have it - warm from the mall with salt or cinnamon, as a burger bun, just with some butter... the possibilities are endless. Those endless possibilities will have you buying it more, whenever you find it enticing, making it most dangerous but also most decadent out of all! No matter how bad it is for you, whenever it comes back, you know you'll say yes. Heck, just accept these damn crumbs.
If I've learned anything from cleaning up all these messes from mine and my friends experiences, it's how to budget when it comes to bread.